I was a full-time university student, which feels like a lifetime ago for me. I have grown and matured so much and changed since then.
One of the things I wish I had done differently looking back is stayed single. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good boyfriend back then for the most part but maybe it was not a good decision for me at the time.
But hey, it helped shape me into the woman I am today.
I am doing a lot better academically now and one of the differences between then and now is that now I’m single. I’ve been single since I started studying again a while back and I am doing so much better now. Fewer distractions and all.
That’s not the sole reason I wish I’d been single at university…
I feel that I spent way too much time in my comfort zone i.e with my then-boyfriend, so much so that I kind of didn’t allow myself to really make new friends at res because I was never there. I actually became known as “North Campus” because I was always there if I wasn’t in class. His friends became my friends and we were practically always together. Sometimes I feel like I screwed myself for allowing that.
I was so terrified of being thrust into this new environment ALONE. I felt like I needed someone and my family was in another city. I had also taken a gap year the year before so the people I started my first year with were younger than me. I felt like I didn’t fit in at all, constantly felt like an outsider and my relationship was the only place that felt safe like I belonged.
I feel that for me, being in a relationship was way too much of a distraction. I remember one particular incident when I was doing a group assignment and my then-boyfriend got mad at me because I couldn’t have dinner with him that night. I don’t like how that made me feel. It’s not like I was fucking around, I was doing schoolwork. I hate disappointing people!
Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I didn’t realize soon enough that I needed to be alone during that period of time and really concentrate on myself and my growth. I was just too afraid. Afraid of the unknown and losing a sort of support structure.
I don’t blame the guys I dated for my lack of success at school, that’s completely my fault. I am just simply saying that I wish back then, I had been smart enough not to get into any relationship at that stage in my life.
But everything happens for a reason, right?
Did you start off university single? Whether you answer yes or know I want to hear your experiences. Some of you out there were or are emotionally mature enough to be able to date and excel at school, I wasn’t lol.
I remember a friend of mine even pointed out that I was doing a lot better academically before I started dating.
I do sometimes wish I had been stronger and more confident enough to believe I’d get through University life on my own. I was alone towards the end of that period and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought…
I started to really get to know myself on a deeper level when I was alone. I don’t mean I was a loner ( I had friends) but I was single.
On a positive note, I feel that I have learned the lessons I needed to learn back then and I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. I used to live with so much regret from that period in my life. You may think that it was a long time ago but some decisions we make have a ripple effect.
But we bounce back!
Anyways these were just some thoughts I had that I thought I’d share.
See ya later.
My Abortion Experience (and Worst Break-Up)
Originally published at https://weirdnliberated.wixsite.com on October 13, 2020.